Tavalodet Mobarak
What's she saying?
Tavalodet Mobarak means "Happy Birthday".
"Happy Birthday" in Persian?
Farsi, baby.
"To-may-to," "to-mah-to," Ali. I don't get a word of it.
But I love the way the accent sounds.
Happy Birthday, baby.
You didn't!
Why don't you go look behind the curtain?
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
- Thank you. - V8 convertible.
How do you say "yummy" in Farsi?
Excuse me, baby.
I'll go powder my nose.
Let's go.
Grace Haddick.
Is there a problem, officer?
Grace Littleton. Formerly Haddick.
Tahvalli's full-time mistress, part-time drug runner.
I stayed in Tahvalli's casino a few years back.
The maid referred to him as "the Persian godfather."
Grace has agreed to flip against two members
of Ali's inner circle in exchange for her skate
on federal drug trafficking charges.
But you want more?
She's given us zilch on Tahvalli himself.
Minus her testimony, the big fish walks so to speak.
Kinda moving the goal posts on her Tippy?
Think she hasn't done the same to us?
We know we can't yet prove is that the 10 grand a week
he was paying her was for a variety of services.
She claims it was just the usual mistress toys...
million-dollar condo, convertible, and just for fun,
his and hers... these.
- Is that what I think it is? - If it's a shot of women's breasts.
That's the...
that's the "after" photo.
- That's one way to engender loyalty. - Hers or yours, Stan?
The point is, given Ali's obvious personal investment,
I strongly suspect he's divulged more than pillow talk.
Business dealings, contacts, that's where Grace comes in.
I don't know, the woman isn't easy to pin down, she's got a way.
That's how her Albuquerque place wound up with a jacuzzi
and marble countertops?
The marble was a free upgrade and market was down,
the agent was desperate.
You done? 'Cause I am.
I'm done with wait and see.
In terms of pressuring Grace, getting her to roll, I'm on the clock.
Not a problem, I'll bring her in. You got plenty on your plate.
- No worries, chief. - Fellas...
I've set appointments with the woman resulting in three no-shows.
I need to see her. I don't care who drives the limo,
just get her to the prom.
I heard this lame-ass, late-night radio shrink once
who claimed he could tell everything about you from the car you drive.
Your education, or lack thereof, your income, race.
He even had a best-guess at the busyness of your sex life,
or lack thereof.
Everything you are, reduced to make, model,
and the choice of air freshener hanging from your rearview.
Guy gets an advanced degree in you are what you own" t-shirt wisdom.
His parents must be proud.
Wait.
That's what they're gonna drive the kid around in?
Some junked-out background car from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre?
Mary, your concern is normal.
But when we place children with families,
no stone goes unturned in terms of their safety.
- Even the cars. - No, I'm sorry.
But do you know what's safe? Volvos, minivans
with air bags, flip-down TV screens, and fermenting juice boxes.
- That's safe. - Look, it's not uncommon
for birth mothers to start finding fault with the family they've chosen.
Adoption's version of buyer's remorse.
Forget buyer's remorse. Look at that thing.
That's dumpster-fire ugly. I've puked prettier.
The templetons use the truck for the landscaping business
they run on the side.
They're really talented. Their backyard's just great.
You'll see next week when you meet them.
Yeah, listen, I was...
I was thinking maybe we revisit that whole,
you know, meet-me-in-person thing.
The anxiety you're feeling is natural.
But meeting potential adoptive families
is an important part of the process.
So I need you to level with me.
Are you in this with this family?
Yes. No, I mean, I'm in fully.
- Yeah. - Good.
I'll call them today, and you right after.
- Good enough? - Good.
Yes, good.
I'll call you.
Okay.
Brandi, for the millionth time, I'm on it.
It's the final week.
The rehearsal dinner's when everything gets,
you know, really... real.
You have everything covered?
Yes, 100%. It's under control.
And one more thing.
Mark facebooked me this morning.
He was asking about you. He's gonna be in town this weekend.
- Brandi, no. - What?
He's not coming to the wedding. What are you doing?
Don't get all Julie McCoy on me.
This isn't The Love Boat, there's not gonna be a double wedding.
I know.
I'm not. It's just...
For whatever it's worth, Mark's different.
He's changed.
And I think, under the circumstances...
Brandi, tell me you didn't tell him.
I didn't tell him about the baby.
- Or that it's his. - Good, let's keep it that way.
I gotta go.
Still doing adoption stuff?
Yeah. No.
It's unreal. It's like I swallowed a pygmy.
- What's up? - Feel like meeting up?
The AUSA Wants a word with Grace, thought I'd swing over.
America's number-one concubine/drug mule?
Party girl's been pretty quiet lately.
You need a chaperone?
3,000 square feet was a little much for one person, but you get used to it.
Is that right?
- Congratulations, by the way. - Well!
I mean, likewise.
- Marble countertops? - The market's down.
- Stan cut a deal with the landlord. - Sugar daddy McQueen strikes again.
Grace, you've cancelled on AUSA Boswell a couple of times.
Is everything okay?
Completely, it's just
this job you guys got me.
It's great and everything, but it's a lot of hours.
But I'm not complaining, the money in time shares, you can't believe it.
I don't believe it.
Considering you haven't been to the office for weeks.
I do everything online.
Yeah, back off, Serpico.
It's okay, I'm straight as an arrow.
I haven't touched that stuff since I put Vegas in my rearview.
I'm clean. Pure as the driven snow.
Then you won't mind if I rifle through your purse.
Rifle away. My life's an open book.
And that book...
- Is that Valley of the Dolls? - They're vitamins.
You actually swallow these things?
Yeah. You wanna watch?
Is it just me...
or are you looking a little more voluptuous than usual?
- Voluptuous? - Yeah, voluptuous.
I'll say it, I'm uncomfortable.
Me too.
Get up.
- Mary? - Get up.
Now drop the blanket.
Nice work, eagle eye.
Since 1970,
Federal Witness Protection Program has relocated thousands of witnesses,
some criminal, some not, to neighborhoods all across the country.
Every one of those individuals shares a unique attribute
distinguishing them from the rest of the general population.
And that is,
somebody wants them dead.
The Witness Protection Team presents:
Season 4 - Episode 12 A Womb With a View
Our concern is your safety.
If Ali finds out you're pregnant with his child,
his search for you goes into overdrive.
Ali isn't the father.
Were you not sleeping with him?
He's infertile. Shooting blanks.
His guys can't swim.
And he just volunteered that?
No, we were together on and off for two years.
It's something that I needed to worry about.
Ali was my protection... In more ways than one.
But I'm guessing you weren't exclusive.
There were a handful of others.
Look, I know how this sounds.
- We're not here to judge you. - Could've fooled me.
We're here to keep you safe. You and your baby.
You live up to your end of the deal, we live up to ours.
I want that, okay? I do.
It's just...
This is all so...
Overwhelming.
You know, you should've told us you were pregnant.
- It might've helped. - He just means it explains a lot.
The cancelled meetings and all that. If we'd have known...
I didn't even know until I was weeks into the program.
I kept getting sick.
But I thought I was just coming down,
you know, off of the coke and stuff.
By the time I figured it out, I was too far along.
Now I'm just...
I mean, besides the fact that I look like a house...
I'm like a gated community.
I am completely alone.
Pregnant?
Six months as your witness, and that escaped your notice?
Yeah.
Even I can spot them faster than that.
I remember it well, you called me an elephant in a parking garage.
I don't know what to say. She worked hard to conceal it.
Measured weight gain, baggy clothes...
You idiot. You were blinded by boob.
Tippy's sticking a pin in putting the screws to Grace,
at least until we run paternity let's get the baby thing sorted out.
Sort all you want, but paternity's not the point, she's working an angle.
Not necessarily, mistakes happen. You kept your own situation
- for quite some time... - He drop the H-bomb.
I find your attitude somewha... hypocritical.
Because we have a bun in the oven, now we're simpatico?
I thought you were Mr. "No two snowflakes"?
Grace is a recovering drug addict who's been taken care
of her whole life, now she needs taking care of more than ever.
If we don't provide it, she'll turn to someone who will?
Maybe, and by the way,
the bun in the oven is about to be our witness too.
Grace was partying hard before she knew she was pregnant,
and all she's done since is go to the free clinic a handful of times.
He's right, Mary. She's gonna need help.
This is a legitimate safety issue...
- For both of them. - Fine.
If you're getting the whole story, then her boobs are bigger than mine.
All right, now, Tippy's working
on the court order for Tahvalli's DNA to check on paternity.
And Mary, you're a woman.
Last time I checked.
So you'll deal with the pregnancy stuff.
Are we sure that's a good idea?
What? What, we don't think
I'm just a bit more qualified for this one?
Of course, but given the delicacy
of this recent development...
Look at her? It's not that recent.
And your willingness to rush to judgment
on all things Grace, perhaps what appears
the ideal choice for this witness is,
in fact, decidedly less so.
My God. What are you talking about?
You can't stand Grace.
I'm immune to cleavage, if that's what you mean.
All right, enough.
I want her in front of a doctor by the end of the day.
Mary, you'll go along as her, you know, partner, whatever.
- Great. - I'm fine with that.
You're fine with that? Of course, it's Christmas.
It's a girl-on-girl twist to your pregnancy fetish.
Where are you going?
Grace's.
I've got a tickle fight in 20 minutes, completely slipped my mind.
Don't worry. We'll take pictures.
Wanna hold hands?
- What do you think? - We're supposed to be a couple.
We are a couple. We're a frigid,
angry couple who conceived two children semi-simultaneously
in a last-ditch attempt to re-ignite a spark long ago snuffed out.
Did our age difference have anything to do with it?
No hand-holding, no wistful glances. That might work on the mindless gomers
you and your C-cups leave in their wake, but you're not getting
any marble countertops but of me, so save it.
Jeez. I got it, okay?
I know this isn't an easy time for you.
Okay, believe me, I know.
It's just, I have nothing.
No family.
No home.
My baby isn't even gonna have a father.
No matter what, your baby will be better off
without a mob boss behind the stroller.
Hi, Grace. I'm Dr. Perez.
So first, I'd like to start by discussing
any concerns you might have about your pregnancy.
- What do you mean a week? - She's due in a week.
Grace isn't eight months pregnant, she's nine.
She was only off by one.
Yeah, details.
So she's full-term.
Braxton Hicks contractions have probably started up.
Odds are the baby's already dropped into the pelvis.
So gross. Why do you know more than I do?
Like six-foot-something dork edition of What to expect when you're expecting.
Which is why today's paperwork included signing you and Grace up
for Lamaze class tomorrow.
Come on, I don't wanna learn how to pant like a dog and watch a video
of someone else's going all slasher movie.
According to this paperwork,, looks like you are.
Marshall, hate to say it, gotta go.
Holy crap, did you go to Costco or purchase Costco?
The dinner's in three days. You haven't bought a thing.
What's to buy? Deli platters.
If I recall correctly, we ordered an ass-load of sandwiches.
- I told you, it's covered. - Peter's family, they're all foodies.
- I'm a foodie. - Okay, well...
They expect a lot more than whatever that was.
Why does peanut butter taste so much better from the spoon?
- Is that what I think it is? - It's beer, for the party.
It's Mark's beer, Yuengling.
You used to steal it out of the back of his Yugo in the eighth grade.
My God.
You invited him.
No, I did not.
The dinner is posted on my event page. I'm sure he saw it,
but he did not say a word about it.
Brandi, think.
If Mark shows up, hello!
Look, I didn't invite him, and he's not showing up.
If you're feeling this guilty about it, maybe you should make
a phone call.
He's the father. He has a right to know.
And I bought lots of beer.
What? In a traditional Japanese Soba House,
high-volume slurpage is de rigueur.
Paternity results, anyone?
Nice job, warp-speed.
Yeah, it's good to be the king.
So previous arrest files had Tahvalli's DNA blood work.
Compared it with Grace's prenatal tests,
and paternity just got pushed past the shadow of a doubt.
So the target of your investigation sired a child with our witness.
Which makes custody an issue.
Are you kidding me? Notifying Tahvalli is way too dangerous.
If we put him in the same room with Grace,
let alone give the guy visitation rights...
What are you suggesting, inspector?
I'm suggesting the man's a criminal, and what he doesn't know won't kill him.
WITSEC protocol. We gotta tell him.
The precedent was established back in the '80s.
Career criminal figures out his pregnant ex is likely in WITSEC,
he sues the federal government for kidnapping his unborn son.
Asshole won. We had to arrange visitation.
Okay, so say we arrange visitation, and say Tahvalli,
by some miracle, doesn't kill Grace, you know where this could go.
Yeah, Ali makes a sales pitch to Grace,
she takes the deal, 36 hours later, they're happily ensconced
in some island cabana somewhere sucking down frozen mojitos.
- Exactly. - What can I say?
But our hands are tied.
Here.
Slurp on that.
And relax.
Each breath takes you
deeper and deeper into your body.
And remember, even the little things...
a simple stroke of your partner's hair
can really soothe her and help create
a wonderful and perfect birth memory.
- I bet. - Give it a try.
I don't need to...
- Isn't that nice? - That is, that's really nice.
- How am I doing? - You're doing great.
You're a natural.
Two years of coked-up sex with a drug lord
kinda makes you an expert on the whole in-through-the-nose thing.
Grace! Be smart.
I'm just kidding.
For the record, I am smart.
Before I met Ali, I was a linguistics major at UNLV.
Keep it down, we shouldn't even be having this conversation here.
All I'm saying is that I had a plan, okay?
- A future. - Yeah.
Well, now you've got two.
Look, Grace...
You've probably got a million things going through your head right now,
but if adoption's one of them, we can refer you to a great agency.
Who says I don't wanna keep him?
In just a moment, those of you planning a water birth will come to the pool.
- There must be some mistake. - Your attorney has the results.
There's no mistake. Grace is carrying your child.
My wife and I have undergone years of fertility treatment.
She would like nothing more than to be a mother.
I could buy her anything.
Well, almost anything.
Much as we appreciate you bringing
this development to our attention, can we get to it?
- Get to what? - Your rights.
My client being a person of interest in your case
does not abrogate his right to pursue custody of the child.
No one's arguing that.
Your client has lots of rights for the time being.
One of them is to decide what it is he wants to do, and quickly.
The baby's due this week.
It'd be best to notify the mother of your decision prior to the birth
give her time to pursue adoption, if you waive parental rights.
We'll take that into account.
But this is a major life decision for my client.
He's going to need time to discuss the matter with his wife.
There will be no discussion.
I've made up my mind.
Yep. Okay, great.
Tahvalli doesn't want the baby.
He's worried about how the Mrs. will react.
Yeah, well, ten years of unsuccessful fertility attempts
topped off by him knocking up his coke whore?
- I'd be worried too. - This place is amazing.
It's got lollipops on the walls.
- Those are balloons. - My God.
Look at you, all geeked out over crib mobiles and baby monitors.
It's not even your kid.
It's not even yours adjacent, and you're practically lactating.
No, I'm simply guaranteeing the safety of a witness who,
short of a full-on show of support
at a time of extreme vulnerability,
may well look for said support elsewhere.
Does dad need help making a choice?
Yeah. No, I know he looks super old, but he's not my dad.
We would love some assistance.
Mother and I are looking for the audio infant monitor 8000.
- I don't see it here. - Let me check in back.
Mother? Ease up, Norman Bates.
Listen. We don't have to get into this if you don't want,
but all this with the Templeton's, the adoption,
that's all... set in stone?
Are you serious?
My God, get in line.
Tell Brandi and Jinx I say hi.
I just thought,
this Grace situation might've churned up some second thoughts for you.
It's churned up asecond thoughts for you.
You think I'm making a bad decision.
No, just a hard one.
Look, whatever you're going to do, I have total faith
that it'll be the right thing for you, for everyone.
But it's hard for me to stand here
and go on about being here for Grace no matter what
without making it clear that the same thing goes for you,
times ten.
No matter what.
Marshall, I just...
Hey, Stan, what do you got?
Oh, seriously?
Okay, you wanna tell her yourself?
Stan?
Coward.
Tell me what? Spit it out.
No. Why are you smiling?
Because Grace is in labor.
- Grace? - Yes.
- Is in labor? - Still yes.
And I really have to help with all that?
Well, I'd do it myself, but you know, you are more qualified.
No, no, no! No, I'm not, I'm not qualified.
I'm unqualified!
We only had one breathing class, and I barely paid attention.
Marshall!
All I know is the stroking her hair part.
God!
Mary says Grace's contractions
are two to three minutes apart.
She's 8-centimeters dilated,
100% effaced.
What, did you tag along to Lamaze class?
No, and technically it's called the Bradley method.
How's she doing in there?
I'm going to say not so great.
Make it stop.
Stop. She wants it to stop.
Can we get some more drugs?
Okay, Grace, the baby's coming now, it's too late for more meds.
I need you to just keep pushing.
Make it stop!
Okay, I don't want to alarm you, but the baby's feeling a little stressed.
We need him to come out now. So I'm gonna ask you to push harder.
Give it all you've got.
- What? - What's that mean, stressed?
The baby's heart rate is slowing down. We need to get him delivered.
Your job is to keep Grace calm, got it?
- Okay. - You doin' all right?
I can't handle a doubleheader.
No, I'm good. I've got this.
I got this. I got it. I'm good.
- Mary, I'm scared. - Oh, you're scared.
You're gonna be fine.
She said you're gonna be fine.
Just focus and breathe.
Okay, just look.
- Do it with me. - I'll do it with you, yes.
Stroke the hair, breathe in, breathe in.
And out.
See?
That's working, right?
- No, it isn't! - No, it isn't.
You two are doing great.
We're gonna help you out with this, but the baby's head is having a little trouble
clearing the birth canal, okay?
My God.
I need you to push hard when I tell you.
Look at me!
- Okay? - Mary.
Okay, it's gonna be fine. I can do this in my sleep.
She does it in her sleep! It's nothing.
- Don't hold back. - No, don't hold back.
Look at me, Grace.
You're doing great. Okay.
Okay, okay.
Good. Grace, one more push.
- I can't. - Yes, you can.
Look at me.
- Come on! Come on! - One more. It's good.
Hard push. Now, push!
Okay, there we go.
Oh, got it.
- Sweet Jesus. - Is he okay?
Is everying okay?
Oh, your baby's great!
He's great. A healthy baby boy.
Oh, my God, thank you.
- You wanna cut the cord? - No, I'm good.
Good job, mom.
I'm not the mom. I mean I'm... thanks.
'Cause I took Lamaze and all this...
Oh, my God.
You are perfect!
- We did it, Mary. - Yeah.
Thank you.
Yeah, we did it.
It's okay.
Hey.
How you doing? You okay?
Oh, yeah, aside from the labor-induced PTSD,
I feel like 100 bucks.
Was it really that awful?
Yes.
Yes, it was really that awful.
I mean, I guess on some level it's amazing.
You know, it's a miracle and all that.
The whole person coming out of another person.
- Like a little Russian nesting doll. - Yeah.
Mostly I'd say it was just... gross.
So she's keeping him?
Yeah, WITSEC gets a baby after all.
Am I crazy to think
that she might have it in her to be a good mother?
People change. And with enough support...
Hey, after what I just witnessed,
I think she's capable of anything.
- How bad was it? - Two words... zombie, goiter.
Hello?
What? No.
No, no, what do you mean?
Oh, Christ. Yeah, we're on our way.
Come on, we're going to the hospital.
- Grace or the baby? - Neither, both.
They're gone.
The baby's security anklet set off the alarm
and the staff called code pink for a missing newborn, it was too late.
They wait this long to let us know? What the hell's code pink around here?
Sending out the guy with the mop to look both ways in the parking lot?
Staff didn't see anything suspicious in the maternity ward?
- Anything out of the ordinary? - Mary's checking security footage.
Maybe she's had some luck.
Yeah?
Hey.
When?
Got it.
It's Tippy.
FBI's been surveilling Tahvalli in Vegas.
Guess who just hopped a plane to Santa Fe?
The guy's not stupid.
They'll pick up the tail on this end of the flight.
If he had someone grab Grace, he'll lead us right to them.
He wants the kid. Grace is worse than useless to him alive.
If he grabbed her, it won't be for long.
He didn't even have a name yet.
Hey.
At 11:02, the baby was taken to Grace's room for a feeding.
At 11:32, a nurse checks on Grace and the baby,
everything's fine.
Four minutes later, the nurse and an orderly leave.
And at 11:38, all hell breaks loose.
Newborn and his mother. I mean, who does that?
No other access point in or out?
No, just the one door.
Windows don't open, no sign of forced entry.
It's like they just walked him out.
Hey, back it up.
The orderly went in once.
Does this thing zoom?
- Don't tell me. - He left twice.
Second time with a bundle of sheets in a rolling cart.
That's Grace. And this isn't a baby grab.
Son of a bitch.
It's not kidnapping, but Tahvalli's in New Mexico, why?
Doing what he does best, making a deal.
Nine months in, she hands over the kid
to this piece of sewage for a stack of 20s 10-feet tall.
She's been blackmailing Ali for the rights to his son.
Guess her idea of being a good mom is getting paid.
Tahvalli just landed in Santa Fe.
FBI said he's headed over to an industrial area west of the airport.
One of his associates has a junkyard out there,
not exactly high-end, and it's out of the way.
- Good place for a swap. - And-or dump a body.
- Mary, you know you can't. - You wanna bet?
Go check out Grace's house, see what you can turn up.
We'll get the baby back, I promise.
Where's my son?
I want my son.
I'm the key witness against your guys, and you want me dead.
You think I'm gonna bring the kid with me?
- Here's the deal... - We have a deal!
Negotiated over months.
My flesh and blood.
You think I can't acquire him legally?
Go the legal route. So will I.
But no worries, your son can visit you in prison
on alternating wednesdays.
You have nothing but balls and the ability to bluff.
Here's how it's gonna work.
After the cash checks out,
you'll wire an additional 1.5 to an offshore account
every year until he turns 18.
Not what we agreed.
Everything I know about your operation,
every conversation I've documented,
and it's tucked away in a safety deposit box.
If the wires stop, or if I end up in the bottom of a lake somewhere,
the bank will send my little care package to the feds,
and you'll spend your life reaching for your loafers.
What are you doing? This was settled!
Six months of negotiations!
Two years of conversations.
I heard every word. It's a miracle I didn't die of boredom.
You know nothing!
- Where is my son? - You're flesh and blood, Ali.
How's my accent?
"The language of your business."
That's what you called it.
That's all I needed to hear.
I started learning Farsi right away.
All I had to do was just sit there, pretending not to understand.
Just looking pretty.
Well... not just.
I mean, the whole baby thing, that was just a lucky bounce.
"Little bitch"?
Is that the way you speak to the mother of your child?
I'm done speaking.
U.S. marshals! Drop it!
Drop your weapon!
- Put it down! - Drop your weapon!
Someday you're gonna meet your son.
You really wanna tell him you shot his mother?
Come on.
Get him out of here, come on.
- Gonna check the vehicle. - Where's the baby?
He was gonna kill me.
- Where's the baby? - He was gonna kill me.
Where's the baby, Grace?
U.S. Marshals! Que est? pasando!
C?lmate, polic?as!
Clear.
- No fue mi culpa. - My God.
No fue mi culpa.
Are you kidding me?
Some of us aren't cut out to be mothers.
You know what I mean.
I know exactly what you mean. Get her out of here.
- Can I at least say good-bye? - You already did.
- Come on. - I got her.
Good.
Yeah, good. Come on.
Okay.
Okay, yeah.
It's okay. It's okay.
Yeah. Hey.
Okay.
Don't even think about it, pal.
You're barking up the wrong boob.
Leonard?
He's a baby. He's not a retired CPA from Scranton.
Well, Lubinowitzes have been trying to adopt for years, Mary,
and your placement counselor made an excellent choice.
But "Leonard Lubinowitz"?
That's an ass-kicking at recess.
Oh, well, guess it beats the alternative.
The alternative is facing federal charges for human trafficking.
Turns out Grace had been working Tahvalli from day one.
Baby went from a bump in the road to a bargaining chip.
God, that's just reprehensible.
- Using a newborn like a... - Pawn?
Like a pawn, right. But not even.
It blows right past "how do you sleep at night" territory
and straight into the heart of darkness.
At long last, the spell is broken.
Welcome back, Serpico.
Was I susceptible to her shop-worn attempts
to sexualize our professional relationship?
- Hardly. - What?
- She was a witness, same as any other. - Please.
She played that whole femme-bot fatale thing to a tee,
and you bit on it hard.
You guys are so easy.
Honestly, I don't even know how you walk around with those things.
What, that last part? That was awkward?
Good news is Grace will be femme-bot fatale-ing
in prison for the next 10 to 15.
And Tippy got his guy, he's happy.
Ah, well, as long as Tippy's happy.
Yeah.
So...
So what?
So, still holding firm on the Templetons?
Oh, yeah, right, Marshall.
'Cause cradling a newborn for 30 seconds turned my whole world upside-down.
Then why keep the picture?
This? This is evidence.
Ah, for the report, right.
Good thinking.
Seriously. Look at his face.
It's like a Pug got tossed in the dryer.
They say you can't buy happiness.
What you can buy are the trappings of happiness.
Sports cars, mansions, friends in high places
or in low ones, depending on the view.
But all we truly own, ultimately and everlastingly,
are the various people in our messy lives.
This often has little to do with happiness.
This is Mrs. Anders
with the Mountain States Adoption Ggency.
Please leave a message at the tone.
Mary.
Mom says there's a storm coming.
What's up?
You get some bad news?
No, I just...
cancelled my meeting with the Templetons.
It's the adoptive family.
What does that mean, "cancelled"?
I don't know. I just...
All I know is I don't need to know tonight.
And I know that there's about 10,000 deli sandwiches out there
that aren't gonna eat themselves.
I'm fine. Really.
Okay.
I'm gonna go check on the centerpieces.
Yes, good.
- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God.
You've gotta be kidding.
- Is that a baby? - What? That?
No, that's a basketball.
It's just, you know, easier to carry this way.
Frees up the hands.
Right.
Guess I should say congratulations.
Yeah. Guess I should, too.
That's mine?
Actually, it's mine.
Well...
Ours.
Okay.
Yep.
Well...
This complicates things.
You think?
No, I mean, I was gonna take you bungee jumping.
I have a coupon.
Why are you even here?
I was in town, I haven't seen you in months,
and I can't get you out of my mind.
Yeah, well, this probably isn't exactly what you had in mind.
No, but I gotta tell you, you look...
Mark, please, please, don't.
Okay, you don't need to say anything.
Maybe I need you to say something.
You've been pregnant with my baby and you don't even tell me?
Forgive me for
not thinking you're the poster child of dependability.
- You don't even know me. - I know enough.
Not if you think I'm gonna bail on being there for you.
Wh-wha... Mark, okay, look.
Okay, I am 20 minutes away from playing hostess
to a mess of people in my backyard.
And I hate the idea of playing hostess almost as much as people in my backyard.
And I just cancelled an appointment
with quite possibly the sweetest couple in the world,
and all they wanna do is provide a happy life for this baby
who's put a pretty big crimp in mine.
And now you show up plagiarizing Cusack
and say you're gonna be there for this kid?
I am.
I don't even know that I'm gonna be there for this kid!
Then I'll be there for that.
I know you're pissed, but I'm glad I came.
Because this, whether you think so or not,
is amazing, Mary.
And you're beautiful.
You're God-damned glowing.
I'm sweating. That's sweat.
Mark...
I mean, what do you want?
Honestly...
What do you want?
I don't know, okay? I don't know what I want.
But it sounds like you don't either.
But I do know that I care about you,
and that you could use some help, and I'm grateful that you let me in.
'Cause I've been traveling all day and I could seriously use the John.
You're an ass.
And you really are so...
Sweaty.
You know you got the song wrong, right?
I mean, that wasn't even Peter Gabriel.
I know, because I couldn't find a cassette, okay?
And it doesn't play mp3s, obviously.
And they wouldn't let me check it on the airline.
You know, things don't always go according to plan.
You're telling me.
If I don't go to the bathroom...
- Go, please. - Yes, okay.
I'll get you a beer.
A beer... awesome... or whiskey, whatever.
I've gotta stop drinking.